Losing something you never had

Did you ever want something so bad but it was so far out of reach? The big house on the corner that cost way to much, the nice manicured lawn that has no weeds, a positive pregnancy test?

I think I have wanted all those things, but they have always been so far out of reach. The lawn, not so much, but definitely the rest.

My daughter is about to turn 5...in a matter of 8 days to be exact. My husband had always wanted another child soon after she was born. I didn't. I knew that it be a big financial no-no from birth...2 in daycare, 2 cars, 2 in college at the same time, weddings, etc, etc, etc...

We want more kids. We really do, and if I could wave my magic wand and make that happen I would. Oh, I would do it in a heartbeat! Last year, I went to a specialist because my hormones levels were not right. That was the reason for my infertility. They gave me some drugs and wahla...I was pregnant! I was thrilled, but not thrilled when I went to my first appointment to find out that my baby, this baby I was so excited to finally have, was not growing. About a week later, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. And I had to go through this without my husband (he was in Germany). I had the support of friends and family, but nothing compares to your husband, the one person who helped create this being that was no longer.

So, I am back on the meds again and continue trying for a sister or brother for Kendall. I was so sure that this month was it. My cycles were finally "normal", and I could calculate my days of ovulation. I am anxious and impatient...only at day 29 I took a test. I just had to know. Negative. Maybe it was too early. The box says 5 days before a missed period...I was well in the grace period for that.

It is so hard to not be able to grasp that one thing you want to badly. I want to be pregnant. I want another baby. I want Kendall to be a big sister. I want people to stop asking me if I am EVER going to have another one. I want to shake this overwhelming depressed feeling I have right now.

There she goes again...

Kendall loves going to her grandmother's house. She has a lot of fun, does a lot of stuff, and eats a lot of junk. I love for Kendall to go to there too if anything to give me a small break. My mother likes to take her for several days at a time in the summer, giving me the opportunity to take a class or two and just relax. But, by the end of the mini-vacation, I miss my little girl. And I know when I pick her up, she is going to look a little bit taller, a little bit more grown up.

I love having her back at home. She comes in greets the dog, checks stuff out and then....

She finds the nearest friend and is gone...AGAIN.

Its tough just being the mom!

I wish I could go back in your stomach

Kendall thinks she has this recollection of being in my stomach.


Kendall: I wish I could go back in your stomach.

Todd: You don't even know what it was like. You can't remember.

Kendall: Yes I do. It was dark.

Because that's the way God made me!

Me: Why do you talk so much?

Kendall: Because that's the way God made me!

30 Days...That's it?

What kind of society do we live in when someone can drive drunk and kill an innocent person and only go to jail for 30 days and serve only 2 years on "house arrest." I guess if you are someone worthy of mention, like-I don't know-an NFL player, you are above the law. Really, is house arrest, probation, lifetime driver's license suspension and a 30 days in jail really punishment for a life?

And to think the NFL is going to "review the matter for possible disciplinary action." Hmmmm....does he bring in enough money for them...that will be what is reviewed.

These stories make me sick. I just don't understand what makes some people not have to follow the rules. This is the kind of society we are creating for our children. What kind of role models are we presenting to our kids? We have to start practicing what we preach! This is why our children act the way they do and their parents act the way THEY do! What happened to equality...there is none anymore. Rules are rules, let's start following them and being punished equally!

She Sleeps

For the first time in a long, long time, my daughter fell asleep on me. I sat and relished the moment, because I know, moments like this come far and few between. These are the sweetest moments...

The strings are unraveling

I let Kendall go with the neighbors. Not to play next door, not on a bike ride, but actually in their car and away from the neighborhood. WOW! This is a big step for both her and me. I gave her money and set her out on her way. I knew this day would come. I knew she would get big enough to want to go places with her friends. I guess I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Nonetheless, she is growing up, and I am learning to accept it. I am learning that I do not have be with her at every event or moment. It is okay if I am not there for every "new" experience. Because, to me, she needs the independence. She needs to be her own person. She needs to learn how to make good decisions without us with her.

This is all part of the experience for both of us. She is growing up, and the strings are becoming looser!

I love summer

A friend posted her status on facebook as I looooooooooooooove summer. Doesn't everyone? I know I do....why?

1. No Homework!




2. I can stay up super late and sleep super late....or rather until 8!




3. I actually have time to scrapbook




4. No Homework!




5. I can lay around in my jammies into the afternoon




6. I don't have to fix breakfast




7. I can do multiple projects in one day




8. No Homework!!




9. Soaking up the sun




10. No alarm clock

11. I can make a list and spend 3 months accomplishing everything on it

But, best of all....Spending quality mother-daughter time with Kendall.

I finally gave in

Those of you who know me, know this has been quite a trying year for me. With the events that transpired the last couple days of school, it left me with an empty feeling inside. It was hard for me to get the motivation to do anything at all. Todd finally told me, "Your on vacation. Do whatever you want to do." So I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning with that mentality. I got up that day and did some much needed scrapbooking. I have finished a book I started reading last week. What's on the docket today: cleaning up the house and maybe a little more scrapbooking! I also found a new addiction: Deal websites. After a friend told me to use the google viewer, I have been viewing lots of my favorite readings...especially the latest deal!

And my list for the entire length of the summer:
1. Finish putting things away or throwing away things in the den

2. File paperwork

3. Clean the mortar of the fireplace

4. Catch completely up in my scrapbook

5. Read a few more books

6. And whatever ideas come up...

Even though the list doesn't sound all that exciting, these are the things I never have time to do during the school year. And even though it may not seem fun, marking these items off the list surely will!

Roundabouts

I love roundabouts for the pure fact it give me the opportunity to pass the slow car in front of me. And if I am really lucky, I can pass two people! It amazes me how people in Avon still haven't mastered how the roundabout works after a year. I mean, come on people....GO...MERGE....DRIVE!!!!! It really isn't that hard, or you will find me, that crazy driver, zooming past to get away from you!!!

500 pages later

I spent my entire '4' day weekend grading papers. Papers that I had put off and put off and now were lurking! I had a really hard time getting motivated on Friday to get into gear which resulted in staying up until midnight to finish one class of research papers. I finished the second class on Saturday. On and off yesterday I spent the day grading the rest of the papers I had collected throughout the week and now there is not one piece of paper in this house that hasn't been graded and recorded...YEAH!

But, where did the weekend go, and why do I do that to myself? The end of the school year is always a bit stressful,but I surely don't need to add to it do I?

Lesson learned!!!! Until May 2010 :)

X & Y Chromosomes...do they both matter?

When my daughter was born, everyone told me she looked EXACTLY like me. It was questionable if Todd was even part of the conception process. Now, we can definitely tell that Kendall belongs to both of us. She may look like me, but she has so many of his tendencies.

Kendall will never have to go through her life with that little hint of wonder. The slightest question lying in the back of her mind who her parents are or which one she is like. But, for her mother, that is the story.

My mother was honest me when I was a kid. My biological father did not want to be part of my life. That should be enough for me to NOT want to know anything further, but it's not. I have this small inkling to know more. I have always been told that I resemble my mother, but what does that mean about my father? Do I have the tendencies of him, just like Kendall of Todd? Do I share a resemblance to him in some way?

I always pictured learning about this man from a distance. Standing on the other side of the street watching....does he have other kids-does that mean I have siblings that I so longed for when I was a child? Does he have a good life? Part of me will always wonder while the other part will always be mad. How could someone turn their back on a child? So for now, I just sit and wonder...maybe someday I will take the next step.

Is that girl really 4? Part II

So last night as we were out to dinner I got to thinking about how much Kendall has changed over the last few months. She now insists on going into the bathroom stall by herself. She has grown up enough to just use the booster part of the booster seat. She buckles her own seat belt. Wow...that little girl isn't so little anymore! What will I do in August when she offically turns 5!!!!

Happy Anniversary!!!

Today Todd and I celebrate 7 years together and although we have been together for over ten years, it just doesn't seem that long. Kendall brings me back to that reality that has been a long time. Todd and I have been through many things in our short seven years, but I wouldn't trade it for a million years. Todd is my one true love. We have created a beautiful family. He is the one person in this world who accepts me for me and loves me unconditionally, faults and all. I hope one day Kendall finds her one true love and is as blessed as I have become.

Just another spring weekend...

Today, I did ALL the things I should've done yesterday and nothing of what I should've done today. Todd was so desperate to see Star Trek he talked Kendall into going. She "kinda" liked it. She liked it when they were on Earth and not in space. Probably would be my thoughts too. Todd loved it...and he isn't really a treky (or is it trekie...). I spent time treating myself to lunch and a little window shopping. After I picked them up, I recruited Todd to do some handyman work for a friend. Later we went to Avon to window shop some more and to eat. We left the house at 10:30 and didn't get home until 8...not quite what I was expected when I agreed to drop them off and pick them back up, but oh well. We all deserve a day to just mess around from time to time don't we?!

Today though, I had to make up for all that I didn't do the day before and then some.
What did I do today you ask????

• cleaned the kitchen
• cleaned the living room
• mopped kitchen floor
• gave Maximus' cage a good washing
• cleaned bathroom
• mopped bathroom floor
• put away laundry
• washed more laundry
• put even more laundry away
• cleaned out the garage
• put a couple items on craigs list
• helped Todd put in the invisible dog fence
• put away a big pile of crap that was on top of the dryer
• went to town to pick up a pizza and get a fountain coke

Wow...that list was long...I have a pile of things to do for work, but just can't make myself do any of it.

So even though I didn't get to the stuff on the list I made Friday, I still accomplished a lot of other stuff I found needed done. I wonder what I will do tomorrow. Oh yeah...that pile...

Is that girl really 4?

Today when I dropped off Kendall at school, she had her spring pictures in her cubby. I could hardly believe that was my little girl. I sometimes find myself not believing that she is soon to be 5. She is so grown up already. Like for example when she is telling me I am no fun or when she doesn't like me. I can't imagine at 5 year old saying this to their mother...13...DEFINITELY, but not 5!!!! Or how about when she rolls her eyes at me? And says things like Don't even....WHAT???? Where did this teenager disguised in my sweet little girl's body come from???? It looks like we are going to need lots and lots of medication to make it through the next 15 years!!!

Turning 30...

Todd turned 30 almost two years ago. He really hated it. He has this fear of getting old. I, on the otherhand, am not concerned about turning 30. I still feel young. I don't see turning 30 as the moment my life changes and things start going downhill. Does it make feel old in terms of wanting another baby....definitely. Do I feel today, right now, at this very moment of being 30 and 1 day...Not at all!

Prologue

I love reading blogs of those I know, but I haven't been one to post my own. Scared...probably. I wonder if I will know what to write. And then I wonder, will anyone really be interested in reading about the Burchell experiences...maybe, maybe not...Only time will tell. And in the words of Todd, "It's all part of the experience!"