Friday, August 7, 2009

Losing something you never had

Did you ever want something so bad but it was so far out of reach? The big house on the corner that cost way to much, the nice manicured lawn that has no weeds, a positive pregnancy test?

I think I have wanted all those things, but they have always been so far out of reach. The lawn, not so much, but definitely the rest.

My daughter is about to turn a matter of 8 days to be exact. My husband had always wanted another child soon after she was born. I didn't. I knew that it be a big financial no-no from birth...2 in daycare, 2 cars, 2 in college at the same time, weddings, etc, etc, etc...

We want more kids. We really do, and if I could wave my magic wand and make that happen I would. Oh, I would do it in a heartbeat! Last year, I went to a specialist because my hormones levels were not right. That was the reason for my infertility. They gave me some drugs and wahla...I was pregnant! I was thrilled, but not thrilled when I went to my first appointment to find out that my baby, this baby I was so excited to finally have, was not growing. About a week later, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. And I had to go through this without my husband (he was in Germany). I had the support of friends and family, but nothing compares to your husband, the one person who helped create this being that was no longer.

So, I am back on the meds again and continue trying for a sister or brother for Kendall. I was so sure that this month was it. My cycles were finally "normal", and I could calculate my days of ovulation. I am anxious and impatient...only at day 29 I took a test. I just had to know. Negative. Maybe it was too early. The box says 5 days before a missed period...I was well in the grace period for that.

It is so hard to not be able to grasp that one thing you want to badly. I want to be pregnant. I want another baby. I want Kendall to be a big sister. I want people to stop asking me if I am EVER going to have another one. I want to shake this overwhelming depressed feeling I have right now.

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