Losing something you never had

Did you ever want something so bad but it was so far out of reach? The big house on the corner that cost way to much, the nice manicured lawn that has no weeds, a positive pregnancy test?

I think I have wanted all those things, but they have always been so far out of reach. The lawn, not so much, but definitely the rest.

My daughter is about to turn 5...in a matter of 8 days to be exact. My husband had always wanted another child soon after she was born. I didn't. I knew that it be a big financial no-no from birth...2 in daycare, 2 cars, 2 in college at the same time, weddings, etc, etc, etc...

We want more kids. We really do, and if I could wave my magic wand and make that happen I would. Oh, I would do it in a heartbeat! Last year, I went to a specialist because my hormones levels were not right. That was the reason for my infertility. They gave me some drugs and wahla...I was pregnant! I was thrilled, but not thrilled when I went to my first appointment to find out that my baby, this baby I was so excited to finally have, was not growing. About a week later, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. And I had to go through this without my husband (he was in Germany). I had the support of friends and family, but nothing compares to your husband, the one person who helped create this being that was no longer.

So, I am back on the meds again and continue trying for a sister or brother for Kendall. I was so sure that this month was it. My cycles were finally "normal", and I could calculate my days of ovulation. I am anxious and impatient...only at day 29 I took a test. I just had to know. Negative. Maybe it was too early. The box says 5 days before a missed period...I was well in the grace period for that.

It is so hard to not be able to grasp that one thing you want to badly. I want to be pregnant. I want another baby. I want Kendall to be a big sister. I want people to stop asking me if I am EVER going to have another one. I want to shake this overwhelming depressed feeling I have right now.

There she goes again...

Kendall loves going to her grandmother's house. She has a lot of fun, does a lot of stuff, and eats a lot of junk. I love for Kendall to go to there too if anything to give me a small break. My mother likes to take her for several days at a time in the summer, giving me the opportunity to take a class or two and just relax. But, by the end of the mini-vacation, I miss my little girl. And I know when I pick her up, she is going to look a little bit taller, a little bit more grown up.

I love having her back at home. She comes in greets the dog, checks stuff out and then....

She finds the nearest friend and is gone...AGAIN.

Its tough just being the mom!

I wish I could go back in your stomach

Kendall thinks she has this recollection of being in my stomach.


Kendall: I wish I could go back in your stomach.

Todd: You don't even know what it was like. You can't remember.

Kendall: Yes I do. It was dark.

Because that's the way God made me!

Me: Why do you talk so much?

Kendall: Because that's the way God made me!

30 Days...That's it?

What kind of society do we live in when someone can drive drunk and kill an innocent person and only go to jail for 30 days and serve only 2 years on "house arrest." I guess if you are someone worthy of mention, like-I don't know-an NFL player, you are above the law. Really, is house arrest, probation, lifetime driver's license suspension and a 30 days in jail really punishment for a life?

And to think the NFL is going to "review the matter for possible disciplinary action." Hmmmm....does he bring in enough money for them...that will be what is reviewed.

These stories make me sick. I just don't understand what makes some people not have to follow the rules. This is the kind of society we are creating for our children. What kind of role models are we presenting to our kids? We have to start practicing what we preach! This is why our children act the way they do and their parents act the way THEY do! What happened to equality...there is none anymore. Rules are rules, let's start following them and being punished equally!

She Sleeps

For the first time in a long, long time, my daughter fell asleep on me. I sat and relished the moment, because I know, moments like this come far and few between. These are the sweetest moments...

The strings are unraveling

I let Kendall go with the neighbors. Not to play next door, not on a bike ride, but actually in their car and away from the neighborhood. WOW! This is a big step for both her and me. I gave her money and set her out on her way. I knew this day would come. I knew she would get big enough to want to go places with her friends. I guess I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Nonetheless, she is growing up, and I am learning to accept it. I am learning that I do not have be with her at every event or moment. It is okay if I am not there for every "new" experience. Because, to me, she needs the independence. She needs to be her own person. She needs to learn how to make good decisions without us with her.

This is all part of the experience for both of us. She is growing up, and the strings are becoming looser!